On the eve of “Rainbow Baby Day” we’re sharing the personal experiences of Katie.
Katie is a Trustee and Volunteer for Zephyr’s; here she remembers back to her pregnancy with her rainbow baby Grace, and shares feelings on her current pregnancy also, Katie also reflects on the “birth” of our Zephyr’s HOPE group too, which she runs alongside Louise and Natalie…
Katie shares her loss here in some detail. As always we offer up the personal stories of our Zephyr’s team as a way to support you, and offer you opportunities to reflect on your own situation, or to reach out for support.
“After losing Charlie in Nov 2015 due to an unknown heart defect, I was unable to conceive again for some time. I needed a break to allow my body and mind to start recovery. We tried again only to fall pregnant immediately and lose at 6 weeks. I was so angry. 14 months after losing Charlie in November 2015, I was pregnant again with what would eventually be my rainbow baby, Grace.
Grace was born in September 2017, but the news that we were pregnant was sadly met with very little excitement and fear! I buried myself in work, terrified every time I went to the toilet convinced I would miscarry again. We told very few people…just my mum and a few close friends for support.
Each time I had a scan, at 8, 12, 16 and 20 weeks I was terrified. I would need the whole day clear “just in case” the worst happened again. I refused the same scan room and couldn’t even sit and wait in the waiting room. I cried so much and was so anxious. The staff were good at managing my anxiety (I had it written all over my notes to avoid that particular scan room and that I was pregnant after loss and anxious…which helped). My husband was also a great support and must have been equally terrified.
Thankfully all was well. Staff spent an extra long time looking at our baby’s heart and found her to have no issues like her sister had. At this point her sister had already died. I was stunned. I had only experienced pregnancy to this point and the loss of a baby. I didn’t know HOW to do the rest!!
After the 20 week scan we began to sort the nursery out, tell people and buy things, but I was struggling to bond with our baby and felt I needed extra support. I raised this at a Zephyr’s meeting and consequently Hope pregnancy after a loss group was born….weeks before Grace was born.
At the meeting, myself ,Carly and another lady in a similar situation met and talked and imagined about this perfect group to support those anxious and pregnant again. It helped no end that one meeting. After that I was spurred onto be positive and take back control. I visualised the perfect baby and birth. By the time my waters broke at 38 weeks I felt calm and confident that all would be well and it was – I was admitted and soon was in the water birthing my daughter Grace who was born calmly 6 hours later.
I am now pregnant again 5 years later! This time around I have no anxiety but do still struggle to bond and again its towards the end of my pregnancy that I am beginning to bond with baby and look forward to their arrival…”
Our grateful thanks to Katie for sharing this personal account. If we can support you to tell your story, or help you to connect with others and find support in your journey to pregnancy or parenting after loss, please get in touch.
HOPE meets every month, alternating between online and in person meet ups, and hosts a very supportive and sensitive private Facebook group too.